Whether weather withers.

Saturday evening I saw a massive rainbow. It was mesmerising, going all the way from ground to ground, stretching across the sky, in some places doubling with pieces of another rainbow. I ran upstairs to show Amanda, then stared at it some more. I made a wish. I think for the first time in my life I made a wish that had nothing to do with love or money.

I ran downstairs to get the camera but rainbows are a fleeting phenomenon I guess because the pictures didn't come out all that great.



At three in the morning I woke up from the house acting the role of a battlefield. The hail hit the worst in Christchurch and Karori, it said on the news.

It's been raining all day. Around dinner time I was a whimpering mess because of all the lightning and thunder. Amanda was no comfort - she says she loves thunder and electric storms.

I've been like the weather all weekend. On second thought, I should not have strayed from my wish making traditions.

New Look

Who needs smarts anyways

I keep getting nose bleeds. Especially after interesting things happen. First raid in WoW - nose bleed, seeing a band live at the Carter Observatory - nose bleed, a friend comes to visit and brings flowers - nose bleed.

In the last week and a bit I've been doing all sorts of retarded things. Not necessarily the things others would notice, but I notice and it's annoying. Things you realise you're screwing up only a few seconds after the fact.

Normally if I screw up something or don't know how to do something, I know that.
Somehow now I've lost that knowing capacity - my brain and body have gone through a merger and made me a silent partner in this venture. No one tells me anything anymore!

I almost missed my bus stop the other day because I was floating off somewhere into an aerie faerie world. I spelled the word 'from' with an 'e' at the end and was absolutely certain that it was the correct spelling for about a minute. I was presented with a list of two items and I knew I wanted to do the things in the order they were presented, yet, somehow, I replied "Let's do that in reverse order". When asked to confirm, I was like "No! We do the first one first and the latter one last, don't you understand?!" I was pouring water from a larger bottle into a smaller one and then spent a couple minutes afterwards trying to cap the bigger bottle with the smaller lid.

Brain damage, it's a gift that keeps on giving. Order yours today!

Pointless advice

I was listening to my iPod on Shuffle mode as Aaliyah's song came on.

If at first you don’t succeed
You can dust it off and try again
Dust yourself off and try again, try again
Cause if at first you don’t succeed
You can dust it off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try
again (and again)

And I was all like "Yeah, I can get my bike fixed and I'll be on the road again, and yeah, I'll meet some cute spunk that won't be dumb and boring and I'll be really happy, fuck yeah!"

And then I realised that I was listening to a song written by a woman who died in her 20s. Yeah.

here's a cute kitten.

Sticks and Stones

Second hand 18 year old scooter on Trademe: $650
Brand new HJC helmet from Wellington Motorcycles: $150
Paving the road with your skin as you go for a ride first time in your life: Priceless

Yes, I bought a scooter. Yes, I crashed it the first time I took it outside.
Fantastic really.

I was fine for the 10 or so minutes along all the dodgy roads coming up to the main road, indicating, turning, accelerating, braking. All the things one does when on the road. At the final intersection (after which I had planned to park and get a coffee), for some reason, the scooter didn't turn when I turned, and it didn't slow down even though I wasn't throttling. It sped up. I freaked. I put my foot down and bailed. Just as well though, because I am told that hitting a parked car head on would have been much worse than scraping my face along the road at 30 km/h.

Plus, I don't have insurance yet, so I would be even more out of pocket. ACC only cost me 23 dollars. And all the doctors and nurses were lovely. The scooter didn't seem to get damaged, but I think it was fucked to start with. Now looking at it, the front wheel points in a different direction from the handle bars. Would have paid to notice that sooner.

I got sent home after about an hour of cleaning up at Karori Medical Centre. A good friend came over to pick me up and stayed with me all day and most of the evening, until my flatmate came home from work and took over. Apparently, with head injuries, the first 24 hours are kinda dodgy. So the flatmate had to come in through the night to wake me up and make sure I'm not in a coma. But nope, still alive.

The giant bump on my forehead has come down in the last two days. Yesterday I woke up aching all over as if I'd been working out at the gym. Today I woke up with a black eye. The internet sneaks into my room at night and bashes me up.

I could get cast into a Once Were Warriors movie. "She comes with her own make up!".

I had quite a nose bleed at the time of the accident. I'm like "All this blood, damn". Just when I thought I was feeling better today, I got two more nose bleeds. Blood pouring everywhere. The sink will never feel the same. Luckily, a friend was over to mop up my pathetic. (I hereby dub the word pathetic a noun)

I went out to the movies tonight. I couldn't take the scooter because I have to avoid head injury for at least 3 weeks. I took the bus and then walked a bit. It's funny seeing people glance up and then quickly look away. "Move along people, hideous beast coming through!".

Uni starts on Monday. That should be interesting. Not just because of Battered Wife symptoms I'll be exhibiting but because thinking is an effort. The nurse said "Don't think too hard". I can't concentrate on stuff, and playing WoW I have to take a rest every few minutes. Just as well I sit on my bed. Good luck for the tests, dear Lana. Just as well you dropped that paper that has the test on Monday.

I do wonder why this always happens to me though. First, Chris and the Germany fiasco, then lack of finances and the brink of bankruptcy, then ploughing the road with my face. I live to serve others as a warning. A friend said the other day "You know I just realised that if I buy this new engine for my car, I'll probably kill myself with it". Well, I'm glad you realised that, dear friend, now let me get back to moping.

Still, I got flowers and lots of Lucosade, jelly beans and chocolate, so can't complain too much. Plus, it appears that I won't be needing collagen or botox injections for a while now.

blogger hates me

yep sure does.

Strange dreams

So, two guys walk into a bar.

The first one says: "Hey do you want to have sex with me?"
and the second replies: "Yeah man! That would really teach her!"

G1: "Do you want to be the giver or the receiver?"
G2: "Let's book that motel room across the road!"

And the next day they were both wearing pink flanelette t-shirts that said "Haha we fucked!"

...

I've got nuthin.

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

Funny that this post comes straight after the big rant about how depression is all in your head. Well, it still is. The big hole that is starting to suck in small objects in my immediate vicinity is all in my head. Snap snap snap out of it, you stupid ho.

Oh holy night...

*gah*, I wrote a whole new entry and the old one came back.. The world is laughing at me.
and I dont' know why the fonts all go funny when I use block quotes, so I'm sorry if you got 7 copies of all the articles now. No more blogging today! bzzzz head buzzing out from frustration.

Love, Hate and the Balance between the two

Woah, Woman, oh woman, don't treat me so mean
You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen
I guess if you said so
I'd have to pack my things and go (That's right)

(Hit the road, Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more)
(Hit the road, Jack and don't you come back no more)
What you say?
(Hit the road, Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more)
(Hit the road, Jack and don't you come back no more)

Don't know why that song creeped up into my head today for some reason. Probably due to the latest email from Ticketek offering a discount on The Brother Ray The Concert.

But it's a good song, is it not. So catchy, yet so topical.

You know I spent all night agonizing about this blog I was going to write. I wake up I think of what I'll write, I brush my teeth I think what I'll write, I watch Dr Phil I think what I'll write.

Isn't Dr Phil the most dreadful show in existence?! I can see how someone can slip into a permanent vegatative state just from watching this one day time programme. I can totally see how one would get depression from this TV gem.

Depression is so bullshit though. I was going to write this big blog about how I'm depressed and nobody loves me and the people I hit on don't like me and the people I don't like hit on me and how it's all so cruel and full of unhappy vibes. *big breath* And how I was looking forward to Friday because it's my day off and I was going to dress up all pretty and go out to town and have some drinks and enjoy the company of good friends but now that I think of it my good friends are not all that great and I kinda had a fight with all of them and I might as well stay in bed and drink Tequila all day. *big breath* (note the deliberate absence of commas).
But then I thought: "Geez, woman, harden up!"

You know what I love? My iPod. I haven't listened to it (ie any music) for about four days and I slipped into this caustic, trouble causing, self deprecating, trouble maker. And the minute that Ray Charles song popped into my head and I googled for it, the .wav made me all chirpy again. Psychiatrists shouldn't prescribe Prozac or Aropac, they should prescribe a dose of Get the fuck out of the house and a dash of Listen to some happy tunes. There, aren't you all better now.

You know what I hate? That boys and girls can't really be friends. It is my expert opinion that unless one of the friends to be is in a relationship or gay, no simple fun friendship can come of it. Why? well I think it's because if you enjoy spending time with someone and have conversations with them, then the first thing you're going to think about is that you're attracted to them. Or they will think it towards you. Now there are two options - both of you think that, resulting in a bf/gf situation. Or only one of you thinks that and the other is the rejector (I can just see Thor saying Replicators here for some reason) then instantly the friendship isn't simple nor fun. If you were the rejectee, and the other person still wants to "hang", then you always think about how one day they might change their mind. If you were the reject0r, then you're always thinking "are they hanging out with me because they're hoping I will change my mind one day". Strain! Torsional Strain! Angular Strain! 1,3-Diaxial Interactions! (that's me missing my chemistry, don't mind me)

I don't really know where I was going with that. I'd like to have a friend with whom I can talk for hours, drink coffee during the week, get pissed on Fridays, rollerblade on Saturdays, and eat eggs on Sundays. I want a friend that will give me hugs and won't freak out if I give him presents. The amount of output I want from a friend is equivalent to that of a boyfriend. But I don't want a boyfriend. I want to be able to do what I like to do and not be told the things I need to change all the time. And I don't want the emotional commitment and drama that the gf/bf relationships seem to entail. Maybe I need a gay friend. Holy crap, maybe I've caught the Gay myself!

Right, anyhu, I keep thinking I should get out and meet new people but I think fuck, what an effort.
That reminds me of something else. The word effort, someone wrote about it in their blog today and I remembered. I must have missed some English lesson because my definition of the word effort seems to be different to everyone else. There was a German class I was at, and in that class no words were allowed to be translated into English. Every new word had to be explained in German. So we come across this word for effort. And the teacher starts explaining it with "it's a good thing that you do when you want to achieve something". And I'm like "Woman, are you on crack? Effort is something you want to avoid. If something requires effort, then it's not worth doing". There we have it then, the definition of the word effort with Lana filter placed on it.

If you enjoy doing it, it can't possibly be effort. Even if it's hard, it's not effort. One of my mottos is "If the effort exceeds the reward, then it's not worth doing". And it's nothing to do with being lazy, I don't think. Take school for example, I fucking love doing the assignments and various tasks they set for us. I get nothing for it but the mark they give me afterwards. But in that instance the reward exceeds effort. Effort = bad. If it's fun, it's not effort. Remember that kids next time you moan about how something was effortless. Challenging is not the same as effort.

Why am I still going on about this? I don't even know.
Oh wait, I remember, my point was I want new friends but it's too much effort to go out and find them. Someone said you've gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince, and I said "But what if prince doesn't spawn in this area?" and I like my pond, I'm not moving from it yet. Think I'll just chuck all the frogs outside and enjoy the calm waters all by myself for a while.

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