So, 24 years and 343 days behind me. New Year's Eve December 2004.
I gaze upon the life that has become me. The successes and failures that have passed.
I had all the whiteware once you know - fridge, washing machine, dryer, 29" screen tv, dvd player, stereo.
I had a job that paid 29 dollars an hour. Much less that some I know. Much more than most.
I had a boyfriend that loved me, brought me flowers, called on New Year's no matter where he was, and snuggled up to me at night.
I had so many DVDs and Books and Clothes that one would think shopping is an addiction. Where else do you spend your money when you don't need it to pay bills?
Now, I am a student, working part time in Woolworths, getting student allowance from the government. I own a handful of DVDs I never watch, 3 Music CDs, a hand me down bed (it is a very nice soft bed though!) and 3 fluffy toys. I do have the entire Patricia Cornwell book collection, this dick smiths laptop and a four hundred dollar computer to play World of Warcraft on. The PC has a $500 network card in it and a gig of ram, both of which I got for free (thanks boys!)
So see, no matter how you look on life, there is always good and the bad. Mum says but think of the people in Africa, bet they have it even worse than you. Of course they do, but what effect does that have on my universe? When people say "the world revolves around you", if you throw away the narcissistic connotation, it's pretty much true. A person is the focal point of their universe. Cheers to you, Mr Einstein!
And as I enter this New Year with nothing to my name but a kind heart and good intentions, I think to myself, is that really worth it?
Perhaps Angel's curse has it right: he's evil - he's happy; he's nice - he's brooding. Maybe being nice isn't all it's cracked up to be. Perhaps selfishness is the new black.
Nasty has never been me, and I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, I speak of it as a personal flaw. Kindness and giving gets you in the manure. You get kicked by the very horse you're riding with. Insert some other mixed metaphor here.
The last 25 years have become Groundhog Life. I have a job, I lose a job, I have a job, I lose a job. I have a man, I lose a man, I have a man, I lose a man. I have lived in New Zealand 10 years in June, I have moved house 10 times. I have never celebrated an anniversary of anything besides being alive. I've never been with a man for a year (on and off kinda resets the anniversary counter unfortunately), I've never held a job for longer than a year, I've never lived in the same place for long... Dido's song comes to mind.
And it's not like I've been doing it on purpose, but I do feel that perhaps I somehow sabotage my success when the year approaches. I do things to get me fired, dumped, or evicted. Probably just so I can mope about it on an internet diary afterwards.
The point of this entry? - I hear you cry plaintively.
No point, just a milestone to a fresh start. Put a steak in the ground.
I was going to write how perhaps I should duck out of this race since I'm coming last in several events anyways, but how can one quit the race of life?
There are a lot of question marks in this entry for some reason. Like religion - all questions, no answers.
New Year, all bare, alone and free, I embrace thee.
Friday, December 31, 2004
So, 24 years and 343 days behind me. New Year's Eve December 2004.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
stop wearing heart on a sleeve
care less about people and more about things
show not emotions when they surface
depend not on opinions of others
pass all the uni papers even when disullusion and laziness eventually kick in
brush teeth day and night even when laziness and drunkeness interfere
initiate not contact with people - if they want to communicate, they will get in touch
concentrate on enjoyment of life and not its meaning - spread shallow and thin, not deep and meaningful
jump not into things with full abandon
: 12:12 am
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Surprisingly not hungover today. Ended up going to bed around 20:30, read till about 10pm. Just when I had given up on xmas, my mum rang. Funny actually, because I thought she didn't really do xmas, but turns out she had been out all day at Long Bay beach with friends, drinking and celebrating and had just got home. Well well.
It was good to talk to her. We did have the obligatory arguments and screaming, but she did have some good advice and stories to go with it. All in all, the two hour phone call turned out to be good.
Kitty cuddled up to me most of the night and that was choice.
This morning I cooked myself scrambled eggs and salmon (being my Sunday tradition), drank some more red wine, followed by coffee and shortbread biscuits that Andrea baked. Very tasty. Watched some City of Angels, but it was lame, so switched to Nancy Drew on TV2. Maybe I should become a reporter for some Uni publication like her. I wonder how one goes about that. Couldn't find any answers on google.
Fed the cat, fed the dog, cleaned up the poos off the deck. Lovely day really, having spent christmas alone, nothing seems to matter anymore. Not in a depressing way, woe is me way, no no, I just don't mind anymore, it should be a good thing.
Ocean's Twelve and The Incredibles are out in the movies today. I forgot to bring cash with me, so if I want to catch the train into town, I'd have to walk to the dairy first, and I'm not sure if it's open. Might just wait till tomorrow.
God I can't wait till Uni starts. I have all this worked out, big goal of finishing Uni, moving to New York or Virginia or Tennessee to get a career, visiting Italy for summer holidays. I am a dreamer you could say. Not even two months ago, I had a goal of moving to Germany, becoming the best housewife in the northern hemisphere, and an excellent cook. What separates a dreamer from a loser?
A few days ago I got told that I have the kindest heart and bluest eyes. What more could a person ask for really.
: 3:30 pm
Saturday, December 25, 2004
The day has come. The day one is supposed to spend with people that love them.
Andrea's presents were most delightful - they were exactly what I had planned to get myself, and now I don't have to :)
She got me an Angel Calendar, three lovely candles that smell delicious and fit perfectly into my empty candle holder, two nice smelling pouches of lavender, and a bird feeder.
Geoff got me a big eyed soft cuddly floppy puppy (a soft toy). So very sweet of him.
I am drinking a nice Pinot Noir as I am writing this, the dog is asleep, the cat has gone somewhere awandering. Black Adder is on TV. I've had a hot shower.
I watched When Harry met Sally just before. I'd never seen the movie. It was probably quite a silly thing to do watching it on xmas day while being alone. Yes, the festivities pretty much were over after I opened the presents and a few minutes later found out that the friends I was hoping would visit me today are either too busy, lazy or tired.
On the upside, I have about 6 channels of TV to watch movies about love and christmas cheer on, and two and a half bottles of wine to get through. Also, Andrea made me a nice quiche to eat. And there is christmas cake in the pantry. I brought over my book, my laptop, Psycho and Alice on DVD. And hey, I get to spend the weekend with the two people that love me unconditionally as long as I feed them - Martini the cat and Aslan the dog.
I will probably go and make the molted wine sometime soon, and warm up the quiche to eat - haven't had breakfast today.
I miss the idea of having someone. Not necessarily the person I was with last, just someone to care for.
Ah well, the point is to enjoy life. I am glad I am not playing World of Warcraft this weekend, that'd be the bottom of the barrel. Black Adder is much funnier when you're cynical and bitter. It's strange that a lot of jokes are about Germany.
I hope the people I care about are having a good one.
Over and out.
: 3:02 pm
Friday, December 24, 2004
"So this is Christmas And what have we done. Another year over. And a new one just begun."
Here's a friendly message from your supermarket staff: Buy your shopping in advance, don't bloody leave it till the last minute. Geez people, think of the little elves!
Anyhow, no interesting updates today, same old same old.
Here's a poem I found in the staff cafeteria today:
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED !!
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?!
And the kids these days, they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No requests for them...
They want computers and robots..they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
: 12:56 am
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Guess what, I don't have to work on Christmas Day and they have to pay me because I would normally work on a Saturday. Score!
Work at the Deli last night was most amusing. There were four of us for some reason. Me and Amy (I'm replacing Amy as it was her last shift), Leonie the 50 year old lady, and Toria the 16 year old girl. Needless to say, Amy and I had to play the babysitter and the peacekeeper to keep the other two at bay.
Questions one asks when they're 16: How long do you have to go out with your boyfriend before you can call him your partner?
Problems one has when they're 16: I died my hair black last night and I'm really worried my mum will come in the shop and see it. (she lives with her dad, you see).
Questions one asks when they're 50: Have you done the chickens Lana? Have you done them? Should I do them? Did you do the chickens?
Problems one has when they're 50: Toria, you didn't wrap the cheese properly, can you please do it again! No that's not good enough!
Speaking of cheese - we had to cut giant blocks of it into smaller portions, gladwrap it and price it. There were many a joke about cutting cheese last night. I will probably never look the same at cheese again. Toria and I gave a cheese block a wedgie - using a cheese slicer without taking the plastic off, it rammed the plastic right into the middle of the cheese block. There was much amusement and laughter. Oh, to be sixteen again!
I love the gladwrapping machine, I'd wrap everything in it if I could. We also get gloves, last week they were your stock standard latex ones, but this week we got boxes of vinyl blue gloves! They're amazing! I might have to take some home.
We have to wear gloves for everything (and one would be a fool not to). I had to tray chickens last night - putting raw chickens in a tray for the next day to go into the oven.
Blue gloves, squishy cold bloody raw chickens, cheese cutters, fish heads, and a lot of glad wrap. There is a horror movie script right there, I tell you! Speaking of horrors, I heard a rumour the other day that some men can last in bed longer than 40 seconds. Note to self: must investigate further.
I bought a packet of mulled wine spices and a bottle of red wine. Nothing can stop me from having the Christmas I anticipated in Germany - mulled wine will save the day.
Had a lovely visitor yesterday morning, tim tams for breakfast - nothing wrong with that :)
Got DVDs from Nick as Christmas prezzie - how sweet! The Scream collection and Psycho, is he trying to tell me something?! :)
Met up with Andrea today for lunch. So nice to see her - she always brings so much joy and lots of smiles. She gave me xmas presents but I'm not allowed to open them till Christmas day.
Bought a Nora Jones CD. Wonder if it's any good. Off to listen to it. Ta ta.
: 2:33 pm
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Yesterday went to Uni to enrol properly. Had to drop German because I have so many other papers to do. One of the biomed papers clashed with chemistry paper, and the professor let me take the next 3rd year paper instead. I feel "thpethial".
Went to the movies with the boys. Watched Saw. Pretty good.
Today is a month since I've come back from Germany. Been feeling a bit flat and uninspired.
Annoys me to write about feelings. When I browse random blogs, there are so many whiney writers that go on about their hurt feelings and nobody loves them and woe is them. I mean, really! - so shit happens, get over it.
Easier said than done I suppose - your biggest enemy is your own mind. I could convince myself of any crazy odd thing in the matter of minutes. Unconvincing is harder.
Not caring is the hardest. I can do hating, I can do loving, I can even sometimes manage both at the same time with polka dots on the side. But not caring is a bitch. I am very good at showing the not caring now. But when the darkness comes and all the entertainment options have exhausted themselves for the night, all I want is that person to hold.
I've perfected the not talking, not emailing, not icqing, not sobbing. I show perfect nothing. I have a constant metallic taste in my mouth. The taste of lying to myself.
But what can you do. You can't make someone else change their mind. I was never good at sales. Especially outbound.
Meh, I've become the whiney writer I so dispise. I want to be funny and sarcastic, a bit cynical and comical. Instead I sound bitter and empty.
Got my copy of WoW today, the fun won't stop now.
In the 14th episode of Angel season 5, Angel gets turned into a puppet. Who am I to complain about anything? Incidentally, he also gets a date in the same episode. Go figure.
: 1:56 am
Thursday, December 16, 2004
I had real shifts on the check out the last couple of days. Serving customers, scanning products, packing bags, the works.
Did I mention that check out is EXACTLY like monopoly? Everyone has their own cash drawer. At the start of the week you get 200 dollars, broken down nicely into twenties, tens, fivers and coins. Whatever money you get during the week you get to keep (except you don't want to keep too much so you send off excess float at the end of every shift back to the vault), and at the end of the week you cash in all the money in your drawer. First shift next week, you pass go and get two hundred dollars. Fantastic! Nothing like manhandling thousands of dollars to discredit the value of cash.
Worked in the morning today, and night yesterday. Mornings are better - you get lots of grandmas shopping and they're nice and slow and chatty and no one is in a hurry or stressed out. Except you also get adults with kids and kids are sneaky little buggars, they try to sneak in sweets onto the conveyor belt while their parents aren't watching. Like a good checkout chick, I scan everything that comes my way, only to be greeted with screams of the angered parents that want "THAT CANCELLED RIGHT THIS MINUTE, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED SWEETS, SON!"
If I void something more than once or the void exceeds five dollars, I have to get the manager to put in their magic key. It's great.
I had a screaming match with one of the flatmates tonight. My topic ranged from things like "do your fucking dishes" and "you smell" to "don't make toll calls if you don't have the money to pay your last bill" and "stop stealing my bread". His retorts varied from "I've let you play WoW" and "Internet is your only friend" to "you are a bludger off the government and I have to work for a living". It was better than Viviana's arguments on Next Action Star. I do so love that show.
I made a pizza again tonight. This one wasn't much of a success. I used Havarti instead of Camembert, and let me tell you - it's not a pizza type of cheese.
WoW is down tonight, and he's right - Internet is my only friend. I had to look up everyone's addresses on whitepages.co.nz to send them christmas cards. What's worse is I didn't even know half the peoples' real names.
Chris' latest blog cut a bit. Well, no, it cut like an AIDS infected knife plunged into the left ventricle.
On the upside I received a letter from the School of Physical and Chemical Sciences congratulating me on my excellent chemistry grades and suggesting I do more chemistry because I showed flair for it.
Universe is an ever constant balancing act. The scales of life seem to always even out. What a bitch, eh.
: 8:53 pm
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
... and it's not from working on an adult movie set.
It's amazing how painful standing up for 7 hours can be. Guess I've gotta work those popliteus muscles! Walking up the stupid hill afterwards is not much fun either. I come up with these crazy motivational ideas such as if I stop on the hill stairs, I will get cancer of the little toe, and so I keep walking up the stairs :)
Worked in the Deli today. Managed to stab my thumb with the meat slicer, set off the alarm on the outside door, and drop the chiller door into the salads. It was great! They tell me I will be sole charge the Tuesday after next.
Training on the check out tomorrow. Apparently I'll even get to handle the money. Mmm money, mmm handle...
I baked muffins on Sunday. Banana and mandarin (was just using up what crusty fruit we had around the house). Surprisingly they turned out very tasty, and the boys chowed them down within the day.
On Sunday night I made a pizza. Tomato puree, pine nuts, camembert and basil flakes. I call it less is more pizza. It was actually very tasty and Geoff agreed. It even doubled as my lunch the next day. I love cold next day pizza. Yum yum!
With all the warcraft playing and cooking on the weekend, I actually felt like I was levelling up. The other night I was coughing in my sleep and I dreamt that I levelled my cough. Who said I am playing too much? I am on a 10 day trial and the game is still out of stock in stores, and so I feel I should really be using my 10 days to the fullest just in case it doesn't arrive.
Not much else to say today, been pretty worn out with all the supermarket work. They want me to do training shifts in between my rostered shifts, and even though it's not 40 hours a week, going there every day is a bit annoying. Mostly because of Mr. Steep Hill and his merry band of bush trees.
Having not worked in many months, it's a bit of a shock to the system. Although, I must say, the hard physical stand on your feet all day work is much better than the mind numbing brain oozing out of your ears office work. It just feels more satisfying.
: 12:16 am
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Friends, Romans, countrymen, I include the link to my gallery of photos. Some of it is a test of photography skills, some are just snapshots. In theme with the blog, you might find interesting directory titled Paris.
New additions of Frankfurt am Main, and Karori Flat will have to wait as it appears I left my camera USB cable in Frankfurt.
Also, while we're on the subject of everyday monotony, do check out the google links on the left. Apparently I might get paid if someone clicks on them.
I've put more info into my profile and added a wishlist. Just in case someone's money is burning a hole in their pocket.
Ta ta for now.
: 11:00 pm
Well well well, no world of warcraft for me today, so I might as well write a little blog, do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight... ahem.. got carried away there.
Right. I couldn't sleep last night and thought up this little piece of philosophical fiction. It sounded better in my head at four in the morning. Proceed at your own risk.
Romantic Love. Yes, the touchy heartfelt subject of the moment. What's with it?!
It irritates me that love is so dramatic yet it's the most trivial thing about. You never expect love, it just happens; once it happens, you think it will never go away and it does.
Common Cold. It's so dramatic, it knocks you out for a few days, you think you'll never walk again, then a few days later it's gone as if it's never been.
Both have been around for centuries. Everyone's had both at some time or another. Often at the same time.
People have written books above love. The heartwrenching literary works of prose and poetry. Romeo and Juliet. Desdemona and Othello. Dharma and Greg. People putting themselves through happiness and desire, misery and heartbreak, often not realising the motions they're going through. Flirt a little, get to know the person, go out, make out, get closer, get comfortable, make a commitment, get tired, break up, take time off, chill, feel the longing, get back together, cheat, lie, cry, the list goes on, doesn't it? We all dance this waltz of love, knowing the pas off by heart and following the rhythm with perfect precision.
A common cold. Centuries of medical advancement, we can beat small pox and bubonic plague, implant silicone and collagen into various human parts without leaving a scar, make semi-cyborgs of people, and we still cannot get rid of the stupid cold!
Goddam, get off your whitie ass and invent a cure!
But the most tragic thing of all is how trivial these both things are.
You get inflicted with a cold, you're out of action, you feel like crap, you stay awake all night coughing up a lung or two (actually that's exactly what brought on this lyrical waxing), you don't want to leave the bed, but it's better during the day when you've got something to do or someone to chat with.
A few days later you realise you're feeling fine and it's like the cold has never visited you at all, you forget how much of a pain it was, and act all surprised when, in a few months time, you catch a new one.
You get a healthy doze of a heartbreak, you're out of action, you feel like crap, you stay awake all night thinking up all the various possibilities and could have beens, you don't want to leave the bed, but it's easier during the day when you've got something to do or someone to chat with.
After some period of time, you realise you're feeling fine and it's like you were not ever in pain to start with, you meet someone new, get swept off your feet, and forget all the misery you went through not that long ago.
Hang on, stop right there, I'm repeating myself! You don't say.
You'd think all the clever people of the world would invent something more useful than electricity and eradicate these two evils of civilisation. The world would be a newly invented ray of sunshine. Ok, maybe not.
But you know, apparently sometimes people do break out of the waltz and dance a jig instead. I hear it's good.
This simile was brought to you by the words Dimetapp and Rhinovirus.
: 9:42 pm
So I got a job. Nothing flash. Understatement of the year. It's a job at the supermarket. Practically 25 years old, working in a supermarket. Yep, it's great.
Speaking of irony, I am working at Deli. I am vegetarian. Don't laugh yet, there is more.
The government pays me poor student summer benefit. If I earn 80 dollars before tax, they reduce this benefit by 70 cents for every dollar over.
I did some Maths 101, and with the hours that I have, payrate and the reduced-if-you-earn benefit that I am getting, for 15 hours of work I will get 7 dollars a week more than for 8 hours of work. That's right, my faithful readers, I will get 1 dollar an hour overall. Send no money now! Well, actually, do send money.
You can laugh now if you want.
Had my first day at work today. Got the uniform, oh how lovely it is! The hat and apron, the works!
It was Christmas Club night tonight at the supermarket. It was insanely busy, so I learned rather quick. We had a lot of giveaways in the store. So much, that we got heaps of free stuff to take home. I don't mind!
Standing on your feet for 5 hours is hard work when you haven't done that sort of thing in 6 years, that's for sure.
I bought a computer desk from the Salvation Army the other day. For ten bucks, it's a steal! (probably literally) They're delivering it this Friday.
I'm hoping World of Warcraft is in stores on Friday. It'd better be, or else. What? nah just messing with ya. Will probably end up going out to a pub to test out the new no smoking law. Can't wait!
Anyhoo, the bed calls. Well, hang on, I am in bed.
Cheerio (that's a sausage)
: 1:36 am
Saturday, December 04, 2004
blogs are funny things. Well, not haha funny, but sort of reflect on life funny. Odd.
You'd be sitting there, enjoying the most beautiful sunrise, looking over the hills of wellington from your floor to ceiling windows, having your scrambled eggs and salmon, or viewing the sunset while sipping a glass of desert wine; and you'd think to yourself - "I could write a really good blog entry right now". And you don't, seeing how you're busy enjoying whatever it is you're doing.
A few hours or days pass and you think, I really should write that down, but then you realise the moment has passed and the lyrical wax has crusted over and is no longer waxing.
a pity really, my dear viewers, because there were a lot of beautiful things to say.
A bit broke this week - paying bond, rent in advance, stocking up the pantry. Back into negatives. Hopefully the much awaited money should be transferred soon and I will be back to normal.
Hey, at least I got the internet back. And if all goes well, I might even see some of you on World of Warcraft soon.
: 11:32 pm