Two thousand and four

So, 24 years and 343 days behind me. New Year's Eve December 2004.

I gaze upon the life that has become me. The successes and failures that have passed.
I had all the whiteware once you know - fridge, washing machine, dryer, 29" screen tv, dvd player, stereo.
I had a job that paid 29 dollars an hour. Much less that some I know. Much more than most.
I had a boyfriend that loved me, brought me flowers, called on New Year's no matter where he was, and snuggled up to me at night.
I had so many DVDs and Books and Clothes that one would think shopping is an addiction. Where else do you spend your money when you don't need it to pay bills?

Now, I am a student, working part time in Woolworths, getting student allowance from the government. I own a handful of DVDs I never watch, 3 Music CDs, a hand me down bed (it is a very nice soft bed though!) and 3 fluffy toys. I do have the entire Patricia Cornwell book collection, this dick smiths laptop and a four hundred dollar computer to play World of Warcraft on. The PC has a $500 network card in it and a gig of ram, both of which I got for free (thanks boys!)

So see, no matter how you look on life, there is always good and the bad. Mum says but think of the people in Africa, bet they have it even worse than you. Of course they do, but what effect does that have on my universe? When people say "the world revolves around you", if you throw away the narcissistic connotation, it's pretty much true. A person is the focal point of their universe. Cheers to you, Mr Einstein!

And as I enter this New Year with nothing to my name but a kind heart and good intentions, I think to myself, is that really worth it?

Perhaps Angel's curse has it right: he's evil - he's happy; he's nice - he's brooding. Maybe being nice isn't all it's cracked up to be. Perhaps selfishness is the new black.

Nasty has never been me, and I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, I speak of it as a personal flaw. Kindness and giving gets you in the manure. You get kicked by the very horse you're riding with. Insert some other mixed metaphor here.

The last 25 years have become Groundhog Life. I have a job, I lose a job, I have a job, I lose a job. I have a man, I lose a man, I have a man, I lose a man. I have lived in New Zealand 10 years in June, I have moved house 10 times. I have never celebrated an anniversary of anything besides being alive. I've never been with a man for a year (on and off kinda resets the anniversary counter unfortunately), I've never held a job for longer than a year, I've never lived in the same place for long... Dido's song comes to mind.

And it's not like I've been doing it on purpose, but I do feel that perhaps I somehow sabotage my success when the year approaches. I do things to get me fired, dumped, or evicted. Probably just so I can mope about it on an internet diary afterwards.

The point of this entry? - I hear you cry plaintively.
No point, just a milestone to a fresh start. Put a steak in the ground.
I was going to write how perhaps I should duck out of this race since I'm coming last in several events anyways, but how can one quit the race of life?

There are a lot of question marks in this entry for some reason. Like religion - all questions, no answers.

New Year, all bare, alone and free, I embrace thee.